


Emotions

by HipsterBitch



Category: Original Work
Genre: Feelings, Other, Unattachment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 22:41:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1665158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HipsterBitch/pseuds/HipsterBitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Me wondering whether or not my unattachment is normal, and what caused it</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emotions

I am numb. I'll be honest, when I used to hear that i always thought it was an exaggeration. But it took someone dying for me to realize that it isn't an exaggeration. That someone can truly be numb.

For me, numb is being unattached, unreachable. Unaffected. Now I'm not saying I'm emotionless. I have emotions. I laugh, i cry (although the latter is fairly rare). I'm happy, I'm sad. But i only express emotion over things of lesser valuer, if you can call it that. Animals dying, a coloring book and crayons. That I express emotion over. But when i was told my "Aunt" Penny died I just sat there and continued watching the movie.

Now i know for some people it takes a while to hit. I know that, I do. But i think about it and it's like I don't care. That sounds really harsh, I know, but it's true. I'm not sad or happy or angry or upset. I'm just numb. I don't feel any different. i don't cry, I'm just numb.

Now that I've told you this, you're probably wondering,  _well why is she this way?_ And that, my friends, is the million dollar question. Why _am_  I this way? Was it something in my childhood that affected me? Or was it something recent (keep in mind I'm only 14 so my childhood wasn't _that_   long ago)? But I just don't know. Did I just stop caring? Is that what it is? One day did I decide that nothing was worth caring about? Or was it that I just grew a thicker skin?

As I type this I'm really thinking about this. What _was_ it? What happened? I'm trying to think about it. When _did_  I become unattached? Last summer maybe? I went through a huge move so maybe that was it. Or last fall when I learned I was being home schooled.

_Home schooled_ _?_  Sounds awesome right? Wrong. It's _so_ lonely. And it's not like I'm a military kid so there's people for me to  hang out with. It's just me and my grandma all day until my brother and sister come home. But this is the 21st century. Technology is this huge, amazing thing. Texting, calling, Skype. All these amazing things. But every time I text them it feels like I'm trying to hold onto a life that is no longer mine. OMS is no longer my school. It feels weird every time I ask about things going on there. How was the masquerade ball? W _hat am i missing?_  is really what I'm asking. How are your grades, your teachers? W _hat classes would we have had together?_  Are Alex and Jack bothering you? A _re they still jerks_? It's like I have a double agenda almost. 

Or maybe it when I realized how badly my weight affected me. Hell, it may be i was always like this, and I just realized it. In the long run know this will affect me in the future. When I have serious relationships with people, whether they're my boyfriend or girlfriend or my peers. But I guess what I'm really wondering is whether or not I _want_ to feel. 

Does this make me any less of a person? Does this make me a mindless robot? What does this say about who I am or what I stand for? But _how_  do I begin to feel? Do I just become more emotional? What do I _do?_  

And I guess that's where I sign off at. I have nothing more to say or question. I'll be thinking about this for a while I suppose, wondering whether or not this is a good or bad thing, if I'll change and one day no longer be numb,  _how_ that'll change. But for now the only thing I can do is to wait it out, see where it takes me. And for now that's ok.


End file.
